Moments, Memories, Mmmmmm

A long time ago my niece Erin and I had a bit we did and  much to the less than patient people, got on nerves, but not to us. We called it Moments, Memories, Mmmm.....  So say that we heard a song in the car. A few minutes later, one of would say, remember that song we heard. Yes, yes, I do. Okay, picture that moment, do you see it? What colors of the moments would you color them? Okay now, put it in your memory. Is it there? Can you picture it? Now, think of the moment, cherish the memory and give a satisfactory hmmmmm. Thus I present to you, moment, memory, mmmmmm. Everyone hated it but we loved it. That is what this post feels like. I am thinking of moments, it's a memory....mmmmmmm.

 Four years ago today, the 16th, I took Buddy to the vet and Buddy crossed the rainbow bridge. Ugh, thank you FB memories. She rescued me when I needed rescuing in 2005. She stayed beside me through all the heart issues that began right before Ike in 2008. She flew more than I had in years coming and going between Texas and home. I love these rescues we have now but none of them are like Buddy. Guess as things go you get a chance just ever so often to have a pet that is just the best. Our group now are fun and friendly. Baxter has way too much energy but all the others are settling down and taking more naps, which is very good. In hindsight, I think Buddy was in a lot of pain toward the end and maybe we should have let her cross the bridge before she did, but I got that time. The last night we stayed up together. We didn't leave each other's side except for bathroom breaks. 

Roy has ordered a new computer for me. This one has been on its last legs for quite sometime. I will leave him alone with it after it arrives cause my belief, though oh so wrong, is plug it in and turn it on. Happy that he knows what and how to on computers. He is excited about the speed and ram and I have no other clue, but I shake my head and say wow! Usually, after all the buildup I ask something like, will I still be able to write my blog? So just in case I have prescheduled several bills and responses needed just in case it takes more time than what he thinks it will. 

As much as I do not want to do this, I need to look into getting hearing aids or something. Sunday morning in the choir loft, I struggled to understand the preacher. Now, it was the associate preacher and he had an accent, so I'll give it another go cause there is a different speaker the next two Sundays. The pastor is on a month sabbatical. The scripture the associate preached from was Zechariah 1. I only remember him talking about myrtle trees and that intrigued me. I didn't know if he was saying water or warrior...remember I am getting a little more hearing impaired. Gonna have to do something because Roy is tired of me misunderstanding him or the constant, on both of our parts, yelling, what? What? WHAT? I saw a cartoon a couple of months ago that said, 80% of marriage is yelling "what" back and forth with your spouse. It is our new hobby. 

Well, it happens. I read one post on narcissistic families and now my FB timeline has a veritable pou-pourri  of articles pertaining to narcissists. Most of the posts I read and concur with the realizations and the revelations. I read one the other day that stopped me short because even knowing what I know now and how hard those days of being accused with delusions that danced in my father's head, his intent was clearly destruction. A burnt earth policy. When I think about how my mother was dying in the hospital but he told those close to him, family, not to tell me. I found out right after a cardiologist appointment. My brother got around telling by putting a prayer request on FB for my mom. My sister in law called that night because she could not go through with what my father had asked her to do. After talking to my father during the immediate time of the incident, I thought we had made the necessary amends to get her the best care. Of course, I was wrong and things went downhill and came to a conclusion in April when he had his lawyer serve me with papers that he was breaking all contact with us and under no circumstances could we make any decision when it came to him. When we did not take the bait or respond by asking him why and giving him a sense of power that we had come back for more abuse , he made his last stand. He didn't plan on that happening thus he had to go scorched earth calling in Adult Protective Services, Police and Constables. He rallied whatever friends he had left and began that campaign. He could have destroyed us with his lies. Roy worked in SEC compliance and he could have been fired if anyone had learned of the lies or a hint of wrong.. Each agency that contacted us said after fruitless investigations my father was the most convincing liar they had ever met. He did make a mistake and left several horrible messages on our phone. The things he said were hate filled with lots of cussing, sadistic and mean. The agencies shut him down for a bit and he revamped his assault about a year later only now I was here and his "witnesses" backed him up, which just amounts to lying for him. My brother made some phone calls and intercepted a letter with all the accusations that my father made, written from his yard lady, that now his daughter was harassing her at her home and job sites. Some of his most trusted friends had several things of his, SS Card and jewelry. He was going crazy frantic looking for those items. I was turning on his stove or leaving water to run, but alas, being here, several states away the timeline didn't work. Some of his friends began to realize his stories were not true, not feasible. I think when he went into assisted living he only had one friend that helped out with him. Things started to go missing there at the ol' assisted living and it was all traced back to him. Roy has always said as people age, they cannot hide who they really are. When it all came down to it, his life of accusing people of stealing from him, it was to cover his own penchant of theft. As a kid he found a quarter at a church VBS. He knew it was for the mission offering but he kept it. Probably about fifty years later he had figured out to the penny with interest what he owed that church. He wrote them a check and a letter. I think he anticipated a warm response with some attention. The young pastor of that church thanked him and that was about it. My father was livid that he wasn't rewarded with attention of theft and then making it right.  

One can look back better with hindsight and see how it was all a part of a plan or a game or for his amusement. I am happy to look forward. I am also happy to make a way to not have excessive dealings with those who have strong or even covert narcissistic traits and tendencies.  

I went to choir practice last night. We sang a few songs that brought back great memories of singing at HFBC. That helps because the alto parts come back to me. I think I am the only one that can't read music. For the first time in my choir life I asked to hear the alto line on a couple of measures. What? Who is this person? At the end of October we have a guest Steinway artist coming to give a concert with a huge evangelistic message. Classical music composers who shared the message of God. In our services coming up to the event we are singing some classics, People Need the Lord etc... But what is really interesting is for the offering time we are singing some of the memorable hymns from days gone by, We'll Work Till Jesus Comes, Bring Them In and maybe even Bringing in the Sheaves. It is so much fun and the long time Presbyterians are hearing hymns that are so Baptist. I think they enjoyed the songs. Bring Them In back in my day was a Sunday night church song because it is lively and fun to sing. The congregation will hopefully join in with enthusiastic singing. Oh my, what a joy! 

Computer Issues and Such

 There is an advantage for us and the detour. Our road is busy with all kinds of construction equipment being hauled here and yonder, big ol' dump trucks filled with dirt or going to pick up dirt, and last but not the least noisiest, motorcycles. With the detour there are a couple, just a couple, of through ways to head over to the other side of the river. The mornings sound like mornings from about ten years ago. Heard yesterday that everything is at a standstill as bids are being taken for the work. We will enjoy the serenity for the time being. 

Several observations and articles of late have exposed the lack of color in homes, advertising, and buildings. A friend from Atlanta visited one time and couldn't believe how beige Cinco Ranch was. You know, when a HOA is involved lots of fun gets eliminated in a fury of good taste. Basically, some guidelines were established and because we all like to push boundaries in different places and different ways, home landscaping and presentation gets everyone punished and the clamp down begins. Lot of people are just frustrated vigilantes, and the bane of their existence is being the keeper of the rules. But this paragraph started out about color. Newer buildings here are going bland but older ones are the keeper of the colors bringing merry hearts to all that notice. We get into a mood of looking at houses online. The one we loved in Burnsville did not get an in person visit because it would have been too tempting and it would not be a good decision. We looked and still look at Mars Hill. So many of the new home's interiors is gray and white. I understand you can use the gray as a wonderful backdrop but at this time my interest is not in decorating or investing in projects even though I have found a new interest in doing things around here. 

The side flowerbed is starting to scale back on blooms. It is looking kind of sad. This evening I will get out there and see what the next steps will be. Roy worked on some vine weeds, different from Morning Glories, and for now got the base of them cut back and out of the tree. Seems we will have warm afternoons and cool mornings and evenings. Didn't get to the side flowerbed but worked in the little backyard with driftwood roses and pulling a few pesky weeds around the back porch steps. The Feral Family kept us company just in case treats were involved. 

I did something last night that I haven't done in awhile...I went to choir practice. Not only did I go to choir practice I also drove home in the dark detour roads home. Only scared myself twice. Dang, it is really dark and not a lot of curves but enough. We bought some of those glasses that help with glare at night from the lights. They do help quite a bit. I had music and God for company. How can you go wrong? I was singing with Hezekiah Walker, Every Praise cause those alto notes are low. I certainly received grace though in choir practice. I knew the songs and remembered the alto part and another piece we worked on was a part of the HFBC legacy of choir. An hour and fifteen minutes in, my voice was shot and yes, I am aware there isn't much to lose with my voice but definitely raspy.  

Chubola is coming around and more friendly than she has been. She wants her head petted and even will sit in our laps, momentarily. That's a start. Willie has won the war of the bathroom window perch. He took it back from Buster and Chubola. Baxter and Buster are fighting in between playing. As my mother used to say, it's always fun until someone gets hurt. We had to separate them several times yesterday. GMoey is just being himself, cool, calm and collected unless he is forced into different circumstances. Then he proves that he is the alfa cat of this household. 

Rarely do I use the KJV except when looking for poetic readings of the Psalms. Came across a word this morning that got me thinking, divers. Not divers like into the sea but divers as the archaic word for diverse, several or different. I get interested in words at the strangest times but divers is my archaic word of the week. 

Seems like we just went through false fall # 2. The fact of fall or autumn is the favorite season of many people, including me, and it feels like the shortest season. Summer wants to hang on and then winter impatiently wants to move in and push out those autumn moments. Maybe because it feels like the shortest season is why it is so beloved. It is change yet it begins to close out the produce stand season. That makes me kind of sad. Our ornamental cherry trees have dropped leaves earlier than usual. I was told it is due to the cicadas at the beginning of summer.   

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Cool enough to remove small shrubs and weeds that are pretty much just junk. Oh and the dreaded morning glory vine. Stopped around 10:30, fed the kittos, had lunch and checked email. I feel just like Sheila E's song, Glamorous Life, complete with drum work. I have kind of stopped working in the evenings cause I'm getting eaten up by mosquitoes. 

We receive a lot of rain last night and everything is looking refreshed outside. My lap top might be on the verge of crashing, so until I get a new computer or this one works better, I'll greet you on the other side of computer issues. 

Little Detours and the Like

 I read a snippet of an article on LSU football and something that Brian Kelly said. This week LSU plays Louisiana Tech in Death Valley. When asked about preparation for the week Kelly said, it is difficult when you have an un-named opponent verses preparing for SEC games and rivalries. You know what to expect and the players themselves know the history. There really isn't any history with La Tech except that LSU is trying to help football programs at universities in Louisiana with much needed funds. Also hopeful that one of these other teams doesn't upset LSU. Preparing for an un-named opponent verses an unknown opponent has kind of settled in the brain thinking through that in life situations. Maybe even into a spiritual capacity. Don't have much to write about in this capacity cause I need to think about it and ponder it. This also will help me remember I once had a thought about this. 

We are socked in with fog, a dense fog. The house across the way has disappeared again from view. The weather report last night told us it would thusly and they were right on this one. No place pressing to have to be at this morning. So thankful for that. 

With the beginning of fallish like temps, some days, and with those autumnal hues of nature come the "good try" colors of fallish clothes. I love looking at the websites suggested to me by FB. That also means my inbox is filled with offers from said clothiers. Love J Jill and April Cornell, I check in with The Nord and Macy's and a few others. This year got the early jump on two pairs of boots. Now I'm on the search for a particular style jacket and so far the regular stops on the internet have proved futile.

Got the good news on the skin biopsy, the mole is benign. PTL! Now I just have a return appointment to take care of another little problem area and I should be good to go and maybe even get on the once a year mole patrol. 

I finished the book When Narcissism Comes to Church. So much packed into the relatively small book. The author goes beyond a person with NPD but systems that continue a supply for a church or nonprofit system to run. This goes to a deeply personal level with me being raised by a father with NPD. All the hurt and quirks are brought to the level of the years and years of his abuse toward our family and toward others and the best part, the escape out of those grasping emotions. Textbook really because he couldn't find a new way of using people as possessions. Men with NPD have mother wounds and believe you me, he had those issues with his mother. He was not the golden child he was the scapegoat. It caused his attachment issues and lack of compassion, empathy or mercy. I read yesterday that abnormal brain development can be seen clearly in those with NPD. I've remembered these past few days the enormous weight I carried as a child because he put all those issues and problems on me because and this is no surprise at the end of the story where life did not turn out to his way of thinking, I was the cause of those problems. So while most second and third graders were challenged by math problems and learning how to write in cursive, I was worried that we wouldn't make the mortgage payment or that he was going to lose his job. The problems he had with my mother and that mainly to her credit was resisting the total destruction of her personality by him. I think about that more now than the destruction attempted on my brother and me. His lack of friendships at church of course, were due to my mom. She wasn't good enough and no one wanted to be around her. Uh, change that pronoun to he/him and there is the true version of that story or stories. In his later years he chose the attempt of taking down a good man that was beloved by their church. My father failed and he was left to sit alone on Sunday mornings, at home, reviewing every hurt that had come his way instead of making things right with the church or visit other churches. The term I learned in reading this book is, looking for a supply. Supply = people to control. His supply was running thin and I think the attempt he made at trying to ruin Roy and me and our reputations with his false accusations and false reports made to the police, constable office and adult protective services was the last straw in his once never ending supply. His malice and hatred turned into his being the victim. I truly think during all of this he wanted his cancer, non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, to return because of all the attention he received in his first go around. All the friends and church that did care, had died, including my mother. He had been fortunate in most of his life, getting away with his behavior. It's ironic, he got tired of taking care of my mom and most probably hastened the end of her life. One of the very things that saved him, her presence and her willingness to pick up the pieces in the places he messed up. She did the reconciliation with friends and family, she made things right. Here was this man with huge mother wounds, issues with women but most particularly strong women and they and we were the ones that did the work to cover and make excuses for his problems. edswf - Baxter tried to help me write. Just within the last few years I have realized the huge price my mom paid, the things she gave up and her actions to appease the wildly predictable reactions and thought process with my father. Maybe that should be lack of thought progress with my father.   

Looks like our detour will be needed for several months. We don't mind it because the detour views are beautiful, more scenic than the regular route. We are having rain in the afternoons again and everything is so greened up. Hopefully, this will make for spectacular fall colors. 

LSU won but they didn't look good and Florida is the next opponent in Death Valley. 

With the cooler temps we have checked a few things off the list concerning outdoor chores. We decided to outsource a couple of things that we felt we could take care of but if we outsource we can do some of those little bothersome chores. I put a new coat of paint on the railings of the front yard steps. Dead headed two and a half rose bushes and cut off some zinnias dried blooms for the seeds for next year. Looks like our beans and peas are finished blooming for the year. I didn't think anything would come of this experience and happily I can report I was so wrong. The footrests of the outside furniture got a coat of paint today and the chairs will be ready to do later this week. 

Roy took a bunch of stuff to Goodwill yesterday. Once again I can tell stories of where I was in life but what brand of clothes I liked. When Eddie Bauer launched dressier clothes back in the day, those clothes were the foundation of my work wardrobe. Then in an especially trying time of life, Soft Surroundings but not the full price clothes, always the clearance. Clearwater Creek because it was convenient in Katy. J Jill has been a recent love but April Cornell has been my choice of late. Every once in awhile I would buy Soft Surroundings things since they were across from Wink, where I got my hair cut. But not a lot cause of the memories in that time frame. 

All Along the Way

 Officially, we are in the "ber" months and probably some of my most favorite months. Increased use of the word autumnal is always welcomed. Autumnal food is tasty and dare I say cozy. Cozy is a funny word to me but maybe on another post I will write about that. One pair of my new glasses came and I am still trying to get use to them. In hindsight I wish I had gone with chunkier frames. 

Saturday was the memorial service for my friend I wrote about previously. As FB memories go a lot of her comments and nine years of celebrating our friendship are reminders of just what a lovely and fun person she was. I was hoping for a few stories to be told at the service but none were. Don't know if that is what the family wanted or if the interim pastor who didn't know her except for one visit in the hospital chose to do. But, we honored her life. I met the assistant principal she worked for at Asheville High School. What a delightful visit. I don't think Ann knew a stranger. She sang backup with choreography at at Sunday School party with me in our lip sync of Ain't No Mountain Hight Enough. We both loved Earth, Wind and Fire and sang and danced in the Mustang on our way to The Farmer's Daughter. Her bear at the backdoor story is hilarious but underneath all that fun was a woman who relied on the Lord to get her through so many tough days. And in it's a small world...don't think about the song...don't think about the song, her son works on our Mustang at the shop we take Mustang Sam to. 

When we woke up Sunday morning I checked the LSU/Clemson score thinking it would be another opening season loss for LSU. I couldn't believe that LSU won. Now where did that LSU flag go? Another chore on the list, find that flag! 

 I officially tendered my resignation from teaching The Joy Class. I miss my friends but the stress I put on myself studying had an effect on my health. Over the weekend I read about this kind of pressure and if it is isolating you, stress feels heavier, health problems become overwhelming and your general outlook begins to be more inward. The article gave me words to help describe how I have felt and knowledge to take care of the issue before it became more cumbersome. When Gale, the former class teacher resigned due to health issues, she came back a couple of times as a class member. She pulled me aside after class and told me it was difficult to be a class member after teaching for so long and she had decided she wouldn't come back too often. I know how she feels. This summer as I have written before went very differently than expected. The routine cardiologist appointment became a little more than routine. The time it took for a decision for what needed to be done was delayed several weeks by the lack of follow up by the N.P. The new addition of high BP added a little drama to the whole thing and thus this summer has been laid back, relaxing and eliminating stresses that caused spikes and such. I have been researching some lifestyle changes in having a little more balance to life. We have changed up some of our meals and I am working through putting exercise as a priority. That seems so strange to write that because exercise was always a priority. 

Last night I talked with a friend whose health has caused her to step away from a lot of life. She being always busy, thinking of others and doing for others. She has a few things to conquer in the near future. Some daunting and some just the ordinary themes of our lives that now don't seem ordinary but a mountain to climb. While we were visiting, an interloper disturbed the conversation. A stranger, but maybe the boarder renting the airstream on our neighbors farm or maybe not. She walked the gravel round with an eye toward our backyard. I alerted Roy when she circled back on her path and stood for a bit by our gate on the driveway. Then headed down toward the main road. He went outside and it worked out that he was doing a regular nightly thing with the Feral Fam. Roy came inside and before long the young lady came up our road carrying a big ol' cat. It had gotten out. I felt like she was the boarder at the farm but just to be on the safe side cause there are reports here and there of people scoping out homes. 

After several weekends of making tacos, we will have a blip on that record. In May at VBS training we had a taco bar and I had forgotten about shell tacos cause I made soft ones regularly. Since then we have been on a hard shell kick. This is not to be confused with hard shell Baptists. Queso, meat, lettuce and tomatoes are much easier to stomach. This weekend I am making Carol Billing's famous chicken tortilla soup, chicken broth based. Roy loves it! He kind of wanted Taco Soup but it really needs to be chilly temps outside to truly appreciate the tastiness of such an easy recipe.  

During the summer we had planned on visiting churches around the area. I chose them merely on aesthetics. They looked beautiful but a couple of things happened to those plans. Heart stuff slowed me down quite a bit and some of the churches are down to like 13-15 people. That would just feel weird to me. 

I came across the snippets of a Pod Cast, with visuals so that's what kept me interested for those couple of minutes. It was an interview with Fannie Flagg. She is known for Fried Green Tomatoes. She told the story of how she won a writing contest and met Eudora Welty. As she continued working on the manuscript that could not find a publisher, by chance she met Harper Lee. Harper Lee encouraged her to keep working and keep at it and finally, as we know the rest of the story it was published and became a movie. Fannie Flagg said until the manuscripts acceptance, she was told, no one is interested in a story about a woman in a nursing home. Guess some beg to differ. I also came across an article or a Substack thingy, by Karen Swallow Prior. Her thoughts and outlook? Well, I find them refreshing and she is so articulate as well as poignant as she selects and shares her thoughts. While academia has never held any sway over me, her experiences translate into mine on a much smaller stage...no stage, maybe a tiny step. So, as we've made decisions and choices based mainly and mostly on my health, there are some contributing factors that have truly made a path for us we never expected to take. Of course, that is true about so much of life. Are we willing to trust the Lord? Will we trust Him by faith? We have made that decision of yes, we will. A couple of weeks ago the choir sang with the congregation added, "So Send I You." I haven't heard that song since I was in elementary school. At the close of the service we sang, "Wonderful Words of Life." We sang the three verse version but I have seen five or six verse versions. Just reaffirming to us knowing we have been led by the Spirit as all along the way reassurances of, "this is the way."