Just a Few Passing Thoughts

So what does one do for fun on a cold, overcast, slightly wet day out on the prairie?  Most would be indoors with a cup of tea or coffee but not me.  No, I planted more flowers in the backyard while the soil is wet and easier to deal with. An added bonus, I got to wear my waterproof boots to work in the yard.  I always forget I have them.  Thanks to the Tractor Supply store, I bought garden utensils that are kid and adult friendly for gardening use.  Actually,  I didn't really plant things for fun today.  I used the opportunity for a therapeutic release of static tension that I am trying not to store up and the actual digging and weeding is providing an answer and relief on so many levels.  So at least the different varieties of yellow, orange and red marigolds are in the ground and two lantanas need to be put into the containers that we bought the other night.  The Mexican heather and some other kind of blueish, purplish plants for the front beds are still waiting to be planted but I will need Roy's help with those.  I can see why my mom enjoyed gardening so much.  I wish I had better knees to really get down close to the beds and work the soil.  Digging up that gumbo soil mix is hard work and today it felt very rewarding.

The other night when we made a quick run to Home Depot, we found the glider/rocking chair for the back porch.  It is significantly less expensive than the teak glider we have been contemplating.  So now maybe sometime over the weekend Roy with help from his lovely assistant, will get this thing put together and be useful for the warmer weather next week.  We also bought a new bird feeder for the tree.  We have a couple of doves who are making their home nearby our backyard.  I have spent some time bird watching.  With most of the construction on down the way, the birds seem to have returned to our area and their beautiful songs blend so well with the wind chimes. 

Last week while Roy was helping my father, I decided to help Roy.  He had bought some turf builder and while he worked with my dad's "fertilizer" I worked with the yard fertilizer.  The grass is looking rather nice but there is still a lot of weeding to do.  Once we get all the flowers in we'll go get some mulch. 

This has been a tough week.  I cannot tell you how many times I have said, I chose joy because there is a part of me that wants to retreat.  Emotionally I am laying low this week.  I wish I could tell you that I am being all spiritual and spending a whole bunch of time in the Word as I navigate this latest path.  Don't get me wrong I have been reading and meditating on some verses but I felt I needed to be really honest so that my 5 readers won't get the impression that I am being Suzie Spiritual this week.  No, I've been more like Valerie Valet.  I don't think it is one thing that has quieted me down this week and living out the week as a hermit.  It's like this, once I was messing with a bungee cord.  I thought I had it secured but it popped up and the hook hit me square on the eye.  It hurt so bad and I began to cry.  Hard cry and since I am not a big crier and rarely a big ol' ugly cry type, I decided not to let the pain go to waste.  I thought of so many things that I needed to cry over and did so, well that is until I got a phone call and it just happened to be Peggy.  I think everything that happened last Sunday has so thrown me for a loop and since it has been a while since I stopped and taken in so many feelings and actually thought and contemplated through them, I'm taking the opportunity from the pain of Sunday and put it to good use.  For one thing, I miss my mom and with the added responsibility of hosting my family after the service and having something to give them for lunch, I just haven't stopped and really and if you know me you'll know how much it is going to pain me to use this word because it gets overused a lot in the church world, grieve the loss of my mom.  I came home and got to the business of serving.  It is the many funerals I've attended these past few months.  There was something about Mrs. Mary Helen's service and the emotions involved, that kind of started me on this emotional roller coaster.  Wait, no I think her service was the transition from being on the little roller coaster and being transitioned onto the big, scary, dips and sharp turns roller coaster.   I think too,  when we were at my parent's on Sunday morning cleaning and clearing out the refrigerators, without the added stress of keeping conversation on track and in the present, I took in the touches of my mother slowly being lost.  Her gardens in the backyard were garden show/garden trail worthy.  Now, the yard and gardens are overgrown with weeds.   Some of the things she loved displaying in their home just look worn out and tired.  It is reminding me so much of my grandparent's things after they died.  Most of their "treasures" were broken or worn out.  In some ways I am still taking in all the happenings with my health these past few years.  Oh believe it when I say, everything is so praise worthy and glorifying to God because it has all been the Lord's doing.  Really, this is how stupid it has been this week.  I picked up the mail and on our boxes were several "lost cat" fliers.  This beautiful cat had accidentally gotten out of the house and with the new of outdoors, ran.  Its owners are desperately searching for this 10 year old cat.  I sat in my car and cried...over a missing cat...who probably got snatched up by one of the hawks out here and just that thought made me cry even more.  My life has felt so out of quilter the past few weeks.  The stable has become a bit unstable and the known is becoming a little bit unknown.  So for this week, I've sat here taking in the silence, enjoying the rest, even getting up early and slowing it down.  There are several fun things happening this weekend, but I just don't feel like I can do them and I don't think I have the energy for them. 

We know there are still tough days ahead and with tough days comes tough decisions.  Roy and I sat and talked them through last night.  We are united and woven together as we take the next probably fateful steps.  A lot of the decisions are really out of our hands and we have If I didn't have Roy's love and support right now, I think I would be a total mess.  I am so encouraged when I hear Roy praying specifically for me and as we pray together asking for wisdom and to be led in joy and to go out in peace.