Don't Fence Me In

It seemed odd to be reminded of a very short period of time that I refer to as the time I worked for the horrible company. I made it there for three months and out of all those who had worked there before me, I had the longest tenure outside of the office manager. All appearances looked to be that she sold her soul to the company store...although this company wasn't a store but it really couldn't be pinpointed as any particular kind of company. They were involved in oil and gas, transitional management, and entrepreneurial legal dealings that included buying and selling companies out of or in bankruptcy. Everything was a secret and even when discussing how they might want me to handle some things, everyone was on the edge. I have no clue if they thought the offices were bugged or what. The office manager made working there unbearable. She was an alcoholic and had returned to the bottle during my short tenure. Only it was a secret and I was only let in on the tale when she had to go to detox and thus they needed to tell me where some secret checks were stored and they needed me to write a check, already signed, to invest in one of the more popular restaurants in Houston. If I wrote the name, every Houstonian would recognize it. I never once met the principle holder in the association and the second in command, well, that is who I met and worked for. The office manager returned and that last month of working was simply horrible and unreasonable in the demands made. When I had a moment to turn in my notice, I did so and I couldn't finish out the two weeks. The office manager who had made life unbearable was closing in on my personal space. I decided to just turn in my keys and parking pass, pay my own parking that day and relinquished them paying any salary they owed me. Even after quitting, the office manager called our home but never said anything and she would follow me on our street as I walked our dog. I finally confronted her and she left me alone. So it was weird for this to come to mind today but I think as I gazed onto the expanse of mountains and the beauty of winter that I was able to once again think through that time of life and all the additional struggles that accompanied such a transitional time for us. Roy had accepted a job at an oil and gas company that paid more and he only had one semester left of law school. I was able to help even though that once promised career was cut short thus I returned to the tennis courts and picked up where life had left off. For those three months working downtown, dealing with all the stuff and getting that feeling of being fenced in...it was the fenced in feeling that propelled me to run away as quickly as I could. One day, after realizing I could offer my resignation, the office manager, the part time oil and gas engineer and I went out to lunch. This is the only time I remember us doing something like that and I could not contain the joy inside me knowing I would be leaving sooner than later. Oh how I wish I could have composed my poker face that day but I ended up telling them I would be tendering my resignation, soon. That bit of joy cost me some dollars in bonus money. On a personal side, Roy and I had just moved into the condo across town and we still had our post office box over in Westbury. My parents would pick up our mail and I would get it from them on the weekends. Because my father couldn't just pick up mail and not look through it, he began asking lots of questions about the magazines we subscribed to, that led into the bills we had and inquiring just how much was law school costing? He didn't ask these questions out of concern but out of selfishness. It was an opportunity to hook us back into merely being possessions and impede any hope or feeling of independence.  You see my father still hadn't forgiven me of growing up and getting married. Because of our new found circumstances I was able to procure our mail key from him and thus closing any insight or way to crowbar into our life which was never for good but for evil.   Looking across the mountains today, I was thankful for the feeling of spacious places and that these mountains in which we found our new home was a place of refuge and restoration and the opportunity to heal from the years of oppressive attacks. I think the result of this refuge and restoration and understanding and finally seeing the big picture, today I am wary of anything that looks or reminds me of or seems to be manipulation like from the long ago past.  Many times in conversations, no lectures from my father I would calmly interject that here he was in his 60's and still looking for his mother to say I love you and she was long ago dead. Now, here I am in my 60's and I am not wanting to hear acceptance and love from my father, who is dead, but I am trying to lay hold and try to understand the amount of evil and hatred he had for me and then us (Roy) and the depth seems bottomless but not to lay hold of to paralyze but to keep me moving into the depth of love and life that comes through God and His Son, Jesus Christ.  Believe me, I forgave my father long ago because if I hadn't....I don't even want to think about where I would be.

It has also come to mind of how differently my brother and I dealt with that fenced in feeling while growing up. Loved hearing his stories of how he would get on his bike and just go visiting around the neighborhood while my approach was to take refuge in my room with books and my imagination. We both now believe that we are extroverted introverts and that we had to take on the extrovert persona to survive.

Since it rained the Feral Fam have gone off to wherever they go when it rains or snows. Hopefully, they will return soon. So, I knew I needed to get out and about today because otherwise I might just sit here and gaze out the window looking for their arrival. I have been thinking about going to Mountain View Store for quite some time, so I did that. I almost took the route from there over to Greenville and go back to that antique store we had gone to on Christmas Eve. But, instead I continued on my way to Johnson City to go to Academy, then lunch and a stop at Barnes and Noble. On the way home I had my music blaring and I would have been singing but that darn cough would start. Now I did briefly sing a trio with John Bolin and Lisa Pierre on the song, We Believe...but my part was short, so just a few little coughs here and there.
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Well, most of the Feral Fam arrived back this morning ravenous and thirsty. I didn't see them when I first got up and figured it might be a couple more days before their presence returned to the backyard. MJ looks like he grew up in the past few days. Cali is around but haven't seen Camo. That is not unusual not to see Camo for awhile.  Mama Cat is still the dispenser of discipline. Buddy noticed their arrival and now as retired upstairs for her first official morning nap.

The book I ordered from the used bookstore arrived yesterday, Look To This Day, by Wilma Dykeman. I didn't think I could like a book more than I have enjoyed Explorations, but so far, it has taken first place in the rankings of her books. It is her earlier columns from the Knoxville newspaper. So many great thoughts and quotes and I have found in her writings that needed help and assurance, of the wonders of nature and the theme of don't fence me in.