I wrote a long time ago about the time when Roy was in his last two years of law school. He had study group on Sunday mornings, which meant I went to church by myself. Now that in itself is nothing cause due to circumstances, I have done that many, many times. What I did back then and it wasn't a conscious thought but became a habit. I would begin from childhood through teenage years, college years, continue into young married and conclude the thoughts to the present (at that time) of all the hard, difficult, not knowing or understanding things that had happened in life. After a full morning of all those thoughts which were hard and heavy, I was just in the best of moods to worship the Lord and go to church. At that time in the early 90s, I did not have the answers or even understand the questions of it all. It would have been bad for me to stay in that state of mind. Not wholeheartedly, but little by little I began to research, talk with a therapist and do the work that needed to be done. It was a long process but in 2017, after the death of my father, I stumbled upon the motherload of help and answers to all the junk that wanted to stay apart of my life. Ugh!
One thing I figured out first on the adventure was, the different stages of telling the story. Early on it was a cry for help, someone rescue me from all of this. Later, it became the cry of seeking answers and having someone pat me on the back and say, "there, there." That led to thinking someone needed to walk along side me while processing and healing. Then the story became a work in progress in that I was in the middle part of the journey. Now, I feel like I look at it as, it happened, it affected me, I have learned from it and these hard, mean and uncertain meaning of things does not define me.
I stumbled upon a person on FB, Farmer Girl. This morning she gave a description of how she approaches scripture and the like. Her description is very close to how I have done. So much that she writes resonates. The other day her post on Jabez was not the obvious take that took hold many years ago. Expanding your territory, more like a prosperity message that people loved cause it was a veiled message. Farmer Girl wrote of what Jabez bore throughout his life. His name meant pain. So, as she wrote, when he came near just saying his name was saying, oh hello pain. Go to her FB page and she is on Instagram too. God redeemed him and as Farmer Girl writes, your beginning doesn't have to be the definition of who you are. May I insert, Praise God! This is what prompted this blog post. In a baby book that parents began writing down the highlights of shots, first word, first five birthday type things, a secondary book that both my mom and father wrote in, the first words of the doctor to them, well you didn't get the boy you wanted. Wow! And as I have written before around the age of five my father started his journey of hating me because I was more interested in friends and school than him. As an adult I once asked him if he had wanted children and did he want to start a family as soon as my mom did. He said, he really never wanted children and I was a reminder of every early celebration or accomplishment, he could never truly enjoy them cause he had a family to think about. He said your mother wanted a baby, I did not. I can't believe I said to him. "well, you could have taken care of that yourself." Yes, we live the legacy of lack of condom use to deter having a baby. That is his story as well. His mother didn't want a second child.
If you want to read her post, worth it, on FB, go to her page. The picture of mushrooms in the forest is your go to cause there isn't a title.
In reading several things about this it dawned on me recently, this freedom from all of that has fallen fresh upon me. It occurred to me that there seemed to be a lightness in my steps and I was interested in things around here that pretty much lost me. The Co^id shot did a world of hurt and last year I finally felt like I was recovering from all of that. Something that got my attention is how much peace and rest our brains need and that is what I have been doing this past year. Since last summer with the heart issues and such I knew life needed to change for me. Now, I have been given a few challenges from my new doctor and I have focused on those to be able to meet a desired result in August. So this peace and rest is what I have needed. In that I discovered a renewed interest in our home. We had been looking at houses but decided to stop that for now. We have great neighbors and a great yard and a great house. Man, there were several houses that were tempting but as wonderful as they are, it is not for us now. Yes, we have six cats and yes it is a full time job to stay ahead of things cleaning wise. We are blessed to live in the mountains and blessed to be near such beauty and yet have it right here in our own front yard. We don't have much of a back yard.
Well, I must close up but had other things to write about.
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