Weary and Exhausted

 

We’re all exhausted. A perfect time for proving our love for one another is real. By God’s grace.

 Ray Ortland tweeted this yesterday morning and it was a rope, a word rope thrown to me in some recent days of rough water. It has been creeping up on me for a few weeks but Friday night into early Saturday morning, the not too often but yet with familiarity, the thoughts were pounding on my brain, you're depressed. Get over it, give into it, you're depressed. You know how middle of the night thoughts are usually worse than daytime musings. Buddy couldn't settle Friday night, up and down, in and out of the bedroom, that finally after the fourth time in an hour, I shut the door behind her as she went into the hall. Buddy normally cries for a little minute then goes to one of her favorite sleeping places. She did not do that. She cried off and on. Finally, I got up, didn't immediately go downstairs or to the bonus room and Buddy followed. I chose the bonus room after a few ups and downs the hallway, turned on the TV and argued with myself about the onslaught on depressed thoughts. Buddy went to sleep beside me and when she looked to be out, I went back to bed around 5:00 am and got some sleep. 

When I woke up and after making coffee, I realized not depressed, the dreaded pandemic fatigue was trying to settle in. All these months I have kept busy, been productive, rested, read and enjoyed staying home. None of that has changed but there have been a couple of things I would have attended, but in the back of my mind, the limited space available to properly social distance and an iffy weather pattern held me back. Friday night, I had just totally vegged out in front of the TV with The Andy Griffith Show. You know, you can feel that sadness start up on the inside and sometimes in the sadness you tell yourself lies. I took those baby steps to telling myself truths, and one of those truths is, we live in one of the most beautiful places in the country. The pace of life is slower, six or seven months out of the year I get to wear boots, jeans and flannel shirts. The pressure to dress up or dress to impress is practically nil in my life. Camels and elk just live down the road and watusi cows live around the corner...being generous on the around the corner thing. But the cows no longer live across the road and there was the huge drift into my feelings. They were tearing down the trash trees and burning them in the pasture across the road Saturday morning. Soon enough the barn will be gone and they'll begin building houses. Roy and I have discussed, not too seriously, about moving but we also have a plan in place to make some decorative changes in the front yard. Cause really, we still have long distant views of the mountains and dang, the flowers in the yard make me happy. I spend most of the spring and summer on the back porch...so, we will probably stay. Everyone we talk to says the same thing, where would we go? I thought of one place but the address is Asheville and don't want to pay the city taxes cause taxes are going through the roof. Of course there is the Southern Living Master Planned Community...ah, no. Been there and done that mindset long ago besides I don't play bridge, don't want to take up tennis again and neither one of us plays golf. I'd have to give up boots, jeans and flannel and be a lady who lunches...of course social distanced and all. Oh and HOAs, really...I mean, no. I have felt so exhausted from just about everything going on elsewhere. I am weary and tired, have no clue at times what I can do or say. There are wearier people for sure and people dealing with more than pandemic fatigue, but right now this is where I am. Here is where I am struggling. 

Then I read the above quote on Twitter...I didn't forget about it to the story. A perfect time to prove our love for one another. I was so happy to find it because I was all too enamored with, we are all exhausted. That is only a part of the story. All exhausted but in that exhaustion prove our love to one another. Several opportunities to avail myself to doing this opened up over the weekend. Some took action and some of that proving took no action other than keeping my big mouth shut, not to mouth off in weariness and exhaustion. 

Now, thinking about the flowerbeds in the spring and makes the thought of spring more exciting because daffodils and tulip stems are sprouting up in the backyard. I looked in the front bed I put in last fall but don't see any stems coming up yet. The ones in the back are several years established so that might make the difference. 

About four or five big trucks pulling equipment are lining the road on old 20. Looks like today the developer will begin in earnest to develop the pastureland into stick homes. Makes me so sad and I've noticed that people are slowing down to look and it has the feel of a funeral procession passing. Respecting the loss of a way of life and more break ups of farms and pastureland and mourning the loss, cursing the traffic and all that goes with the way of progress. It is just a view we are loosing and in the grand scheme of things, it is not that important. People need homes and people need work. Know people feel the same way about pipelines and such, but because Roy is employed in the oil and gas industry, I have empathy and sympathy for those experiencing that. Just seeing the equipment has made me sad on this beautiful, sunny Monday morning. 

Yesterday's snow melted rather quickly with the sun and the temps getting above freezing. Major concern for the day, getting the trash bin down to the road. I had two weeks of trash in that can because last week I only felt like rolling down the recycling, which is every other week. The wind is a biting one, going right through you. 

The good news at the end of today is, the barn is still there. The men worked mainly on getting the road prepared for more people and traffic. It is a hint of things to come with all the noise they make. Gives me a little hope that it will be with us this week. I think I could fall asleep and the sun hasn't even gone down.