Friday, October 8, 2010

Turkey in the Straw

This is how I picture myself right now. Oh, I have always known I am a turkey, so nothing new there. No, this picture is perfect for how I am feeling on the inside and outside right now. Why? It's because I am going to the women's retreat sponsored by our church this weekend. It goes back to that old feeling of not fitting in a women's ministry. Oh believe me I've got the parts even though some of the faulty equipment has been removed it is just this, not a fruffy woman, I don't use the words sweet, precious, or darling very much in any type of daily vocabulary. Roy and I never had children so I'm not a mom. Until recent weight loss I'd been a bit of a hefty Betty, so that puts you on the fringe. Now I am navigating new waters in this but yet I have not lost enough weight to be a cute anorexic woman that has a dynamic testimony. Oh, I'm not trying for that or anything and I'm not casting aspersions. I've written it before and I will write it again, you never hear testimonies from overweight women because our testimony doesn't put us in the "box" of womanhood. Could I help it I would binge and then my ADD kicked in and I lost interest and forgot to purge? Some in women's ministry only think that an event is successful if tears are shed. Not a big crier and have seen plenty of tears shed but no changes in life from those who cried the hardest. So here I sit writing on my blog instead of getting my stuff together to spend a night at a hotel. And because I hate this about me, I agonize over clothing decisions way too much for one of these things. In the rest of life I just wear what feels and hopefully looks good. I am such a mood wearer of clothes. So how will I know if what I have picked will fit into my mood for tomorrow? I do know this, whatever I wear has to be in the same color scheme. I only want to wear one pair of shoes and although it is cool outside, it is still warm in the afternoons. Why does this matter? Because most hotel ballrooms are freezing cold. So that plays into the decision of what to wear.

I do get to play a part in the retreat and I'm humbled to be included. What I get to participate in is not a strong point in me but everyone I get to be with in this endeavor is tremendously gifted and talented. I am grateful for them including me.

Love my roommate for the retreat. She and I will have a good time and since we have traveled together before, we know our styles compliment.

Well, I better go pray and ask the Lord to give me an undivided heart and hear what He wants to speak into my life. I have an inkling I will be "not present" in some of the Saturday morning activities. Hmm...wonder where I will be?


Anonymous said...

So. . . . thanks for the laugh! And so relate, I don't do women!!

Have a great retreat!


Alyssa said...

I'm taking a break from writing a paper, so I'm looking back in your archives. :)

Thank you for being real here Nancy. It's easy for me to see a woman with a sense of humor, who knows so many people and has so many women's respect, awe and admiration and think "She has it all together: respect from others, good friends, wisdom, a good marriage, and love from the Lord" and forget that each of us have our fears.

I can relate to you in so many ways...the clothing, the weight and feeling on the fringe, the desire to be comfortable but cute, the fear of a women's event, yet the desire to go. I'm glad you went to the Women's Retreat! I'm glad you had fun (and took a break for pecan pancakes!)