Remembering

It hardly seems possible that my mom has been gone for almost a year.  She passed away last November 8.  I think about her almost everyday.  When I look at the flower gardens, the bird feeders and birdbath outside, I think of her.  We planted pink roses several months ago.  Pink roses were her favorite.  I just went back and read my blog from last November and I am so glad I put my thoughts and feelings down even if they are so raw and swayed by emotion.  One thing I never put in my posts last year is the way I found out my mom was ill and in the hospital.  I was at the cardiologist and back behind the partition of general waiting room and back in one of the individual rooms where I read about my mom.  My dad had asked my brother not to tell me, so in reality he didn't but he felt confident that I would see his status update on Facebook.  Later on in the day my sister in law called me and said she didn't feel right in keeping this information from me.  Believe me, I was reeling and when the nurses and Doctors came in that day to look at me, my heartbeat was all over the place.  So they had me wear a heart monitor for a month.  I couldn't decide whether to tell the nurses what had happened or not. I didn't want to be that old woman who tells her story to anyone who will listen.  Kind of like now only I am writing it and if you are making a face, I can't see you.  I sat there watching my ankles and hands begin to swell and retain water from the sudden stress.  My heart was working overtime.   It had been a long time since that had happened.  This withholding information from us came about from a phone conversation that Roy had with my dad several weeks previously and in that conversation Roy asked my dad to contact him if anything needed to be done because my dad was wearing me down with his unreasonable demands and his hate filled and hurtful words he had toward me.  I called my dad that night letting him know that I knew about mom and the next day we were with him at the hospital with my mother.  We were there helping him with decisions, well at least as much as he was going to let us have input, and trying to help him because it was obvious her time on this earth was quickly coming to a close. 

It seems ironic to me now thinking through these thoughts because my dad over the course of years told me numerous times that my mom had died.  He would call and say, just wanted you to know your mom is dead.  OK, it unnerved me the first few times and got the reaction he wanted when he did it, but as time went on I would tell him to just let me speak to mom when I called.  Yes, he is that twisted.  When my brother and I were small children, he would tell us that he and my mom were leaving us to live and fend for ourselves.  There would be the dramatic scene of pulling out suitcases and packing clothes.  I really don't think my mom wanted to participate in this but he has a way of controlling and cooperating with him has a way of making life much easier in having to live with him.  When he first started this my brother and I would cry and wail and hold onto them, not wanting them to go out the door.  My father would push us back and close the door.  I don't remember how long they would be gone but it was long enough to watch them drive away and be convinced that they were gone.  Being strong willed and having a survivor mentality it got to the point when he would pull this trick out of his hat, that I would ask my mom to leave us some signed checks so that we could pay bills.  I stopped crying and only tried to deal with what had been dealt to me.  This all happened beginning around the age of 6. 

Last year in CBS we studied Revelation.  When my mom died and her sweet presence went to be with the Lord, I kind of thought back to Revelation, when God removes His church and the Holy Spirit from this world.  All kinds of heartache, meanness and evil take place.  When we finally had her service, when family returned to their homes and once the shock wore off, it became apparent even with Alzheimer's, how much her presence brought good among us.  How much good she brought to my father.  His health and state of mind has diminished but still present is a mean spirited, vindictive and bitter person and I am saddened that he chose to live his life this way.  He has missed a lot of happiness and joy. 

Several weeks ago I read in Ann Landers about the phenomenon of 'pennies from heaven.'  I had never heard of this but many testify that after a loved one passes away, they began to see pennies in the oddest places.  The general thought is that your loved one is communicating to you that all is well.  Now I don't hold great stock in those kind of things but within the past few days I have found a penny in the strangest places.  On Saturday, on a whim, I decided to put the extra leaf in our dinning room table.  We had the section under a couch and when I pulled it out, there was a penny on top of it.  Hmm....  Then yesterday I was changing out the days on a magnetic calendar and I opened a drawer to get out the box that holds the month magnets, there bright as day was a shinny brand new penny.  It was kind of nice to see the pennies, but I now from the Bible that all is well with my mother. 

I am not a big crier by nature but I have cried more this week than I have in a long time.  Missing my mom, thinking about her, how funny she was, how loving and kind she was and her whimsical view of life even when she worried and fretted over trivial things.  These tears are mixed mostly with joy but there are those from missing my mom.  I am embarrassed to tell you what else brought me to tears this week...I watched a video of the Baylor halftime show from last weekend.  I don't know why but when I saw the creative program saluting Baylor champions I sat here and wept.  Lest you think it was emotionally packed, no it was the band as a stick person on a horse and a stick person bouncing a basketball and shooting it through a hoop.  Impressive but why did that make me cry?