Please know this blog post is a bit tongue in cheek, with mild frustration and some throwing hands up to surrender because it is just too much.
This morning I awoke at 7:48 am after a fitful night of sleep. My brain is on overload and I try not to think at night about everything coming up and all that needs to be done. Most of it is mindless ordinary stuff but it is the amount of that mindless ordinary stuff that is keeping me awake throughout the night. It's like a math problem...Nancy has so much energy to get these things accomplished..how does she divide the time and energy so that the train arrives in Seattle at 6:37 pm? Add to the mix knowing how I need to enter pre-surgery to be in the best possible health so that my body can endure five to six hours of surgery. Everyone's concern is my heart being able to take that amount of time being under anesthesia. That means I need to control, haha, what I can to keep me from going into afib in the here and now. To help me not have a major episode, I have new meds...to add to the mix of meds that already slow me down considerably... Just to remind me of why I do so well and be able to do what I do because I stay in the parameters set for me and rarely venture past the line, I had a minor panic attack on Saturday while visiting the lovely alpacas. No one would be able to discern that I was having one but my momentary goal in life was to get to the truck, sit in some cool A/C and calm down. It has been a while since I have had one and I used to experience them mainly in Macy's or on the way back from Macy's walking to the Nord in The Galleria. Alpacas and shopping, who knew? No, and I am not going to go into detail but anyone who has dealt with major heart episodes knows exactly what I am writing about. For the past few weeks I have been having conversations in my mind that I probably will never have but I think I should because I need to be prepared and not caught unawares, you know just in case.
So, this morning Roy calls a little before 8:00 am to ask my opinion on something and once I have helped him with his thing, he gives me a difficult time that I have nearly slept till 8:00 am in the morning! I mean, I don't have anyplace I have to be, why not sleep till 8:00? He asks me is it Buddy? Are you worried about anything? Are you thinking too much? What is your caffeine intake? Are you eating properly? He is the quiz master! Getting a talkin' to at such an early hour does not set the day's attitude to calm.
And so this morning as I have sat here, reading, and trying to get a handle on my attitude I realize it is too much! To add to real life concerns there are lectures on social media about who to vote for or how could you vote for. So many people are unhappy with the state of their worlds and taking measures that hurt and harm others, believing this will right their personal world. The church world is snapping at each other...over voting or liturgical matters or submission or forgiveness and what does that forgiveness look like? Former pastors who crossed a line and are negotiating their way back with spin and a narrative to make the path of return without perils or loss for them. For weeks conferences or events are publicized on social media and then there is hardly a follow up worthy of the weeks of bombardment to report how it turned out and what good came out of the time. And I am a t-shirt kind of girl, own way too many and t-shirts would be considered a part of my love language, but come on does every new initiative or theme have to come with a t-shirt and then corresponding accessories that can be purchased to continue the theme?
OK,yesterday was a tough mental and emotional day. Pet peeves, real peeves and peeves of the moment kind of took control. Even in the "make it stop" mood yesterday, I believed good would come out of the day. I was not disappointed. Gwen and Harold stopped by on their way to his chemo for a quick moment. If I had gotten started on the day as I had planned, I wouldn't have been home and would have missed their visit. Then later in the day when Roy and I talked once again, he shared he was asking about the 8:00 am wake up because he is concerned that I am not getting enough rest and sleep. It is unusual for me not to fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow but I do remember a time in high school and college where I went through this insomnia thing. Maybe I am becoming like a teenager again. As for the bombardment of opinions and issues on social media, well..that isn't going away anytime soon and I tried today to just look at the cute pictures and read interesting articles that don't have a thing to do with well...everything.
I'm in no way copping out but yesterday was just one of those days that comes to all of us every once in a while...where it all starts getting to you. Today, I saw one of those experiences from the Andy Griffith show happen right in front of me. I stopped in at one of my favorite places to eat to grab a veggie plate. The hostess was seating another party and the family behind me were a bundle of nerves and impatience. They had never eaten at the restaurant and kept asking me if I knew for sure you waited to be seated. Yep. The family was seated a few places away from my table and their impatience and their voices could be heard all over the room. The waitress was trying to be as accommodating as possible in suggesting what was a "fast"and good. She tried to explain the specials or other fast items and finally after the man's belligerence, she calmly asked where they were from, not the south, and then explained that in the south sometimes people and things and services are a little slower because it is worth the time to stop and pause for a bit. That seemed to quiet them down. It also was a good reminder to me, to keep noticing and enjoying the moment instead of projecting myself into what the near future holds.