Me Apathetic? Really, I Don't Care

I have taken another step down the road toward mediocrity today.  I have gone with the tried and true pedestrian uniform of women who haven't a clue what to wear, dark pants, a shirt and jean jacket.  At least I wore a black and white top to kind of spice things up.  I am not criticizing you if this is your costume of choice.  It is mine many a time but I always think surely there is something more in the closet that might involve color or imagination.  I find myself making this choice when I want to play it safe cause I'm not really sure what to wear or when I am flat out too apathetic to care to wear anything else.  My hairstyle falls into the same category.  I kind of want to go back to shorter hair and longer hair isn't a good look on me, so I'm stuck in the middle.  Hair that falls a little below my ears and is curled under or left to natural wave and curl.  It's the style of women my age when you haven't a clue how you'd like it to look.

So mediocre uniform of the day led me to this next great insight.  The Wonderstruck challenge today is Reflection.  We are to pray and ponder what holds us back from experiencing the wonder of God in our everyday lives.  This morning as I began to pray and honestly I thought this might take all day to know what holds me back, the word came like a lightning bolt...apathy.  Not a total surprise to me at all.  So I sat here in my black jeans, black and white top and jean jacket living out apathy in the real world and getting a great word picture from the Lord...I am apathetically dressed today. 

The road of apathy and mediocrity.  That's where I find myself too often.  Really, the success of light packing for the Israel trip has less to do with organizational skills and more with I didn't care.  Of course now seeing pictures from the trip, I should have cared.  The dictionary defines apathy as the absence or suppression of passion, emotion or excitement, lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting. The reliable jean jacket is usually my choice when I haven't planned my outfit the night before.  Being ADD, choosing an outfit the night before helps me stay focused in the morning. I Characteristically, I find myself often at the other end of the apathy spectrum.  It is what my therapist likes to call my fearless zone.  That was my zone of choice for too long in life and it is a dangerous place to be.  Lots of times I am in the fearless zone here on the blog because I write things that maybe I shouldn't but then I don't care.  Of course you knew I had to say that.  Many times people thank me for being authentic and honest here on the old Monablog and truthfully, I don't know how to be anything else.  On our trip to Israel something funny was said on the bus and Janie said, Peggy and Nancy, don't go there.  Of the three of us, Janie has more filters on her words but she was thinking in the same direction as we were. 

Since these first few paragraphs have been a long and winding road and maybe a bunny trail or two, let's get back to the subject of being and living #wonderstruck. 

"The wonders of God surround you. Prayerfully spend some time reflecting on those things that prevent you from awakening to the wonders of God. Write them down, and then ask God to remove those obstacles that prevent you from experiencing him more. Ask God to make you supernaturally aware of the Spirit’s presence and leading over the upcoming weeks.
Wonder Challenge: What are the challenges preventing you from experiencing God’s wonder? Turn those challenges into a short prayer. And, if you feel comfortable, share it with others who can pray alongside you."  Margaret Feinberg, wonderstruck challenge. 

You see it's not that I want to be apathetic but it can many times become my default setting.  Some people's default setting is making rules for themselves and everyone else and mine is,' Ha, who cares about your silly rules.'  We go to our defaults when we are especially tired or stressed.  My mornings start out well with seeing the wonder of God, especially if I am traveling but as the day wears on and my pain increases, my attitude goes to default, who in the heck cares?  It could be due to what I am trying to fight everyday, not to become one of those people whose view is always through their pain and that is the first place they go to find God and see His wonder is in their pain.  My pain is physical.  My view is sometimes skewed in that I have to look down a lot when I walk because when I had that mini stroke with the heart thing, my sense of balance is off, very off.  So how can I see the wonders of God going on all about me when I am looking at the ground and my feet? 

So, now that I know that apathy keeps me many times from experiencing the wonder that goes on all around me and my prayer is that He will remove that obstacle that keeps me from knowing Him and being in awe in ALL that HE IS.  Benefit with having to watch every step?  My heart shaped rock collection is growing.