Yesterday afternoon was a little bit hectic in the hour or so before I left for choir camp or retreat. We knew the Home Team guy was coming by our home to do the quarterly bug spray and outdoor inspection. Love that the spray dispensers are on the outside of the house and the bug spray is dispensed all throughout the walls with the tubes that were installed while our home was being built. They were also doing the free mouse inspection. I am all for that. While they didn't find conclusive evidence that our attic had become a winter retreat for Mickey and the gang, there were a couple places in the insulation that could or could not be mice related. So, the bug guy and Roy set traps in the attic just to be on the safe side. Roy thinks it is a racket just to get you to pay for them to put wire mesh in front of weep holes and around vents on the top of the roof but he also thought the mosquito spraying was a racket but we didn't see near the mosquitoes that friends who did not spray experienced. In the midst of all this the Fed Ex man dropped off a package and I brought it in. I was in the kitchen and heard the front door open and instinctively I said, "Roy?" The door shut without any verbal response. I rounded the corner into the entryway and there were several boxes stacked by the front door and through the glass darkly I saw a silhouette of a man who I believed was the UPS guy. I was a bit taken back. Would UPS just walk into your house? Did I scare him when I called out to Roy? Did Roy tell him to put the boxes inside? I felt so violated and contemplated what to do, who to call and did this have any further safety implications. Roy was in the front yard when I was leaving and I told him about my UPS fears. He started laughing, he saw the boxes by the front door and put them inside for me. He was the silhouette that I had seen. In that small space of time my thoughts had certainly gone down the wrong road of conclusions.
How many times have I gone down that road, of faulty conclusions? Too many times to name that's for sure. How many times have I practiced conversations that never took place? I fight the DNA in me that could take totally unrelated circumstances and weave them into a flawed assumptions. Now since the bug man came and talked of mice, every dead leaf on the courtyard, every shadow in the house, any little noise, if Buddy stares too long at one place, gets my attention. I am focusing on the fear of something and that's not good.
Sometimes we can do that with words spoken to us or attitudes that we think we've detected that are rooted in fear. There are times when strong words hurt but the source of the words might not really be directed at us but the words are spoken out of frustration and things we don't even know about from the speaker of the words. We all can carry a lot of emotional baggage. Sometimes we might just have carry on problems but there are other times we are willing to pay for all the extra bags to make the trip. Been there and everything in between. I know that in one of the most difficult seasons of life, it was all I could do to get up and go to work, I could "turn on" for brief periods a personality and then go right back to dealing with the difficulties of everyday living and trying to make sense of everything that overwhelmed me. It was a time that I was so depressed and my therapist wanted me to take anti-depression meds to take the edge off of my emotions, but Roy asked me not to start down that road. During that time I said things that came from depression, tiredness and the lack of joy. Many forgave me, some said they forgave me but they really didn't and others ignored my lack of joy and a pretty sad and sorry attitude knowing I would get back to normal sometime...hopefully soon. They loved me along every step of the way. Recovery was a long, difficult battle that left me both scared and yet more empathetic for those whose spirits go so deeply away. I also know from experience you have to make a more empathic and conscious decision to choose joy. Paul said in Philippians 4 I have LEARNED to be content in whatever state....
Last night my friend Candy and her husband came to choir. Diane W had invited and had asked them for a long time to come and give choir a try. Candy was so funny when I saw her, she had on her jean jacket and she said I wore this tonight in honor of you. Love it! Conversations about our go to uniforms with so many friends has been really a lot of fun. Everyone has a different uniform of choice but the truth is, we all have them.
On this beautiful sunny day I have been working around the house and I got a big chunk of my Hebrews homework done. We have Roy's Life Bible Study class party tonight. For those of you who have not had Sunday School renamed, we are going to a Sunday School party. Instead of gifts we do a dessert exchange complete with stealing and plotting to come home with your dessert of choice.
Today's Wonderstruck challenge is creation, but I'm just going to have to write about that tomorrow.
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