I just got in from running errands. I had quite a few to take care of. Before I left the house though I got to talk with Mike the mower man. He is going to put in some stone steps for me to get out into the yard and also dig a little drainage area around the front sidewalk with a liner and river stones to help keep any rain water from pooling. He has a great knowledge of the property because he did a lot of work for the previous owner. We did not know that she bought most of land behind us from the people above us. He cleared it out and said there was all kind of junk in the overgrown vegetation; car doors, bikes, suitcases...just things no one needed or wanted anymore, he cleared out some weeds in the back while he was here too. I am really excited about the steps into the front yard.
As has been my practice here on the ol' Monablog, I try to keep it real, no sugar coating things and I have to be honest with y'all, emotionally, the month of August has been really rough. I love it here, love my friends here, love Roy, love friends in Houston but emotionally there is something churning inside. It could be due to coming off several years of being on Tramadol. The knee doctor had me on a higher dosage than when I had taken it before. Since I have been coming off of it, the heart racing issues have subdued dramatically but when I eased off of this medicine before, it played havoc with my emotions. So that could be the reason. Then there was that major meltdown I had on August 3rd. It was a lot of things coming at me rather quickly. At first I thought it might have to do with being another year older, but that wasn't it. Snake sightings and a raccoon who was tearing it up in the backyard added to the meltdown. When I talked with Roy on the 3rd, he knew I was having a difficult time and he began acting on things he could take care of to help me some. Buddy is adding stress in the evenings because she won't settle down or settles but gets disruptive of sleep all night long. I could be feeling the emotions because I am not sleeping well most nights. Uh, that will do it to you for sure and the end result is, I sleep later than I want to because of the lack of sleep most of the night. Adding to all of this I feel like I have gone on a rampage of saying the wrong things...I mean things that I don't mean to say or not conveying the thought clear enough. I don't feel like it's a brain fog but more of being so frustrated right now by the way I feel, I'm not communicating how I usually do. Then I have to backtrack which probably looks like I am covering up or making excuses when it really is a matter of....well I don't know, maybe just being emotionally overwhelmed. It could the summer is coming to a close and I need more structure. I signed up for Bible study at church. I need to find someplace to volunteer but immune system wise, I have to be so careful of being around a lot of children or people who need help but aren't in that good of health themselves due to lifestyle. I know my purpose and find life meaningful in the best way, but yet these emotions of mine are all over the place. Roy and I are doing really well, better than we thought. Our conversations are fun and focused. We make decisions everyday talking things through and our love is stronger than ever. Maybe I know that change is in the air with our Katy home on the market and if it sells the chaos of packing and moving. Maybe I am feeling that change and shift in friendships that may or may not survive how I would like them to. There is always that readjustment and nostalgia that steals our joy and we willingly let nostalgia do just that, take away joy of the present.
It could be that I am studying and thinking too much. Ha, that made me laugh but I love this book on prayerfulness that rests in gratitude. Gratitude that abides in faith, hope and trust that the Lord has it all under control. I think about those who I know who suffer from severe lack of gratefulness and who are more about taking than giving or at the very least being thankful. They maneuver and try to manipulate to get others or me to act in their behalf, time after time after time. Then I have to pull that beam out of my eye and see...no pun intended...but take stock in my gratitude quotient. Am I living a grateful and generous life or am I shutting it down just because I am feeling used?
So that is where I am this later part of August. Living with emotions whacked out and hopefully by the 31st this will have all played out. I am sure it is coming off of meds and total lack of sleep many nights. I apologize if I have been unfeeling, emotionally distant, needy, insensitive and distracted. I'm thankful to still have a sense of humor and know that this will pass...hopefully sooner than later and I'm trying to give this to the Lord and rest in His timing, healing and love.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for being patient with me. Know that proper service emotionally will be restored soon. Let us pray!