There are several authors whose work really speaks to my soul and most of the authors are not Christian writers per-se but some of them are Christians but not of the evangelical bent and some are so far away, doesn't anyone just stay in one place anymore....oops, so far away from 'Christian.' They challenge me to think and ponder. One author in particular is celebrating another best seller with book stops and tours that are making her weary, tired and cranky. Her brother reprimanded her by reminding her, she is a best selling author and what she is doing, so many writers and authors would give their right arm to experience. So he told her to shut up and get on without so much whining and complaining...and that comeuppance got her attention and she righted her path. She wrote a short article for an online magazine about the experience and that little story of life spoke so deeply to me and where I find myself from time to time in the here and now.
The song that goes through my mind at least once a day is, 'Jesus is a rock in a weary land, a weary land, a weary land. Oh Jesus is a rock in a weary land, a shelter in a time of storm.' Yes, too often than not I feel like I am a resident of the weary land. And, I shouldn't be with all the exciting things going on with our home and the plans we have for it and for the desire that God has placed on our hearts for some things there in the future that only He can do....yet, here, on the prairie, I find myself in the weary land. Oh yes, I know the verse from Galatians, not to grow weary in doing good but nevertheless, the weary land is my residence if I let myself drift to that land. There are people whose weary land is much more extreme and wearying and my heart and prayers go out for them. But honestly, we all have our weary lands and the landscape looks different in everyone of them. The route and map may look differently for each of us on the journey or our short trips to weary land.
The weary land doesn't necessarily mean we've gotten there through sadness or harsh realities, sometimes the weary land can be just that place and moment when all the good things going on overwhelm one because of the immensity and challenges of logistics and timing. I would also like to confess that stupid, selfish things can ease my ride of self absorbed entitlement into weary land. That's a landing that is never smooth and if I let myself be deceived into giving into those thoughts for any amount of time,the take-off trying to leave weary land is rough, full of turbulence. Let's face it weary land is a place that is better to be from than in.
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to take a trip into weary land quite by accident. I was cleaning out magazines and the book bound 2012 Monablog was in one of the stacks. I remember in April pulling it out from the bookcase, reviewing what I had written concerning my father's "disappearance" to meeting with his lawyer and being served papers severing his relationship with us. April is when we were hearing from APS and the mental health division of HPD with accusations that proved to be and we knew to be false, made by my father toward us. Yesterday, I skimmed those pages and a post written in April 2012 got my attention where I wrote about a friend of my father who called us, concerned with the hatred consuming my father. His call was more kind than mean toward us, because he counseled me NOT to see or contact my father while his rage and hatred and anger toward us was so elevated. Uh, not a problem... Now with the knowledge we learned with the box debacle of his extreme hatred he has had toward me all my life, well since the age of five, reading the blog post from 2012 had new meaning. Back then I merely thought it was an 'at this time' hatred, but it was a warning even then of the extreme and venomous feelings he has harbored and acted on throughout the years. And then for that brief moment....I took a step toward weary land. Since the whole box thing in August and September, learning about this long time hate knowledge caused me to think and recollect memories and times. At first I was angry with me for trying hard during the years to please and be kind to my father and granted there were some unpleasant times and rough words from me in between the the 'trying to be' times to him. Knowing this knowledge,I regretted trying throughout the years but the answer came quietly to me, the trying to be kind had kept me from becoming his kind. This also gave pause to really think through my mother's life and to maybe understand the strain she was under for so many years as she progressively lost her identity and any confidence she came into the marriage with. I've done some reading and research of late and what she endured and lived is a text book case of living with a narcissist.
I do have this hope; one way to leave the weary land is to practice gratitude. You can be tired, but gratitude takes the heart to a whole nother level and thinking through things and being thankful for the good things and divine appointments energizes the spirit. When timing and contacts don't seem to be happening with the house and the temptation to step across the border into weary land presents itself, that's when I review how we got to this point and being so grateful to see God's hand on each and everything. Oh my friends, gratitude fills and overflows. Last night my heart went out of rhythm big time and exhaustion tugged at every place of my being, I was thankful that my heart got back into sync this morning and struggling through the exhaustion of getting grits ready for brunch at Bible study and getting there somewhat on time, I was thankful because there was a day I would not have been able to make it. When I got home, believe me I was ever so thankful for nothing on the schedule and went to bed and now that I am up, I am thankful that recovery will not be weeks and hopefully not days.
This has taken me several days to write and I don't know that I have expressed anything very well. But, I know that sharing all the fun and good times, also means sharing the difficult times. Weary land has been hanging around since September and it is a daily fight when it is in such close proximity.
The Lord's our Rock, in Him we hide, A shelter in the time of storm;
Secure whatever ill betide, a shelter in the time of storm.
1 comment:
yes. just yes.
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