This morning after a particularly rough night, I am staying home. I estimate the total amount of sleep last night was less than three hours. When your heart is out of rhythm falling asleep can be tough. You feel the pounding in your chest or the sloshing about that sometimes produces a drowning kind of feel. The skipped beat is also alarming. Couple this with a cat who could not settle either...which makes for a long, long sleepless night. I have been fortunate that many nights I only experience the flutter effect but here on the countdown to cardioversion, it is feeling more like afib at times. No matter it is all out of sync and I'm looking forward to syncopation.
Buddy also had a temper tantrum this morning and took a couple of good swipes at my arm. It has been a long time since she has done that. Roy said her actions were probably a result of me sleeping later and her desire for treats and porch time. I wasn't following her schedule. I admit, I started crying cause it hurts and it hurts emotionally. Sometimes crying comes not so much of the action but because of frustrations that have built up. It is disheartening to have worked so hard these past few months, eating right, exercising and taking better care to have this rhythm thing crop up. Since this began in 2008 I think I internalize more often than before. Periodic outbursts from frustration kept things in check, but I can't have periodic outbursts anymore and that is not a bad thing. It has been a helpful thing. I'd like to be all spiritual and say I have given everything over to the Lord....I try to but not always successful. I saw this quote on FB yesterday, "Over thinking is a special form of fear. This fear becomes worse when adding anticipation, memory, imagination and emotion together." Many times I have been told I over think things. It's true yet I can go to the other end of the spectrum of "it doesn't matter." I used to say that I didn't care but really it doesn't matter seems to be the better description. So this morning I sit in front of this computer, probably overthinking the coming week, internalizing fears and feeling like I am walking on a tightrope. Not that I have ever walked on a tightrope, but I have seen movies where it has been done.
I ventured over to the Fresh Market yesterday. They are advertising more prepared meals and that includes better selection. It is true. The deli is better than before. The spring blend coffee had been marked down 50%, so I bought a few more packages. The spring blend is one of Roy's favorites, but he is off caffeine right now after a dental appointment and before a Dr appointment. Sometimes it seems one person in a store becomes the bane of existence while trying to traverse the aisles. One lady seemed to be filling that role yesterday for several of us. She should have gotten a cart to hold all her purchases. She fumbled about tying up cart traffic throughout the store. I tried my best to stay out of her way but we met up in produce, deli and bakery.
Well, Buddy just now got her porch privilege. It is still coolish outside. On my FB feed this morning two posts were in line and it seemed ironic, both about endings to new beginnings. A long time member of HFBC passed away from pancreatic cancer yesterday morning. It seemed like he passed so quickly after receiving the diagnosis. There was such hope because it had been discovered in stage 2. He was a member of the choir and his now grown daughters were with him in the Christmas Pageant each year. He was the smiling Roman soldier, although Roman soldiers weren't supposed to be smiling. He had a great passion for life, his family and his God. The numerous no overwhelming response to his family on FB is unbelievable. Such kind words for such a kind man. His almost life long friend wrote a moving tribute this morning about Bill and included his quirkiness, which good friends are required and wont to do. The very next post is about a woman who is retiring after 35 years of employment and ministry at HFBC. The last 13 years she has been Pastor Gregg's executive assistant. She now passes the torch to CourtneyS who will do a fabulous job. It won't seem the same without Mary on staff but she now joins the retired and will wonder how she did everything when she had her job.
The baby bunny has been out in the back off and on all day. The grandma rabbit was around last night. Even the groundhog got in on a visit and even though he was eating weeds, I chased him off. Last night Buddy and I were treated to a wonderful display of birds. It is intoxicating to take it all in. The sun was setting and covered the field across the way that brought out all the different hues of green. It is sad that beyond the trees, the land has been surveyed and perked. Soon the building of more houses will begin. I saw the cows from that pasture loaded up into trailers the other morning on my way to workout. It made me sad to hear their cries.
My heart didn't race as much yesterday as it is today. I have taken my meds and hope the slow down will kick in. A nap is crossing my mind and my eyelids are feeling a bit heavy. It dawned on me the other day that this week I have eaten Mexican food more often than ever here. Kind of like being in Houston. No Turkey Creek lunch today since I stayed home from church but my tuna salad sandwich hit the spot.