There She Was Former Miss America

I don't even know if I should post this...but what the hey, I think I will. Today, Vision America is using the facilities of our church. I'm all for America and I am for Christian Citizenship, but I question the choice of the speaker for the Vision America Ladies Luncheon. Normally, this is not anything I would have attended, not even with the offer of free lunch for staff members. I tried to beg out because my days of attending an event with the offer of a free lunch have long gone by when it is related to my lunch hour at the office. Let's face it, we need the break and free lunch on my hour is very easy for me to turn down. I reluctantly said yes because other friends were going to attend and I love spending time with friends.

Let's just say those who attended the luncheon put me in the category of "young person." It was an older well heeled audience with the exception of my young office friends who were so sweet to save me a place at their table. First off, I was not shocked because I see this behavior more often than not, but Christian women can be down right rude at luncheons. There were only two servers for about 120 women and if refills weren't done fast enough rude looks and comments were aplenty. I am willing to bet a dime there were at least 50 Martha's in that group that could have served and de-plated faster than a 1000 men. I don't know if de-plated is a real term, but it we can deplane, tables can be de-plated. Women talked LOUDLY through the music mainly because it wasn't their cup of tea or it could have been since it was an older audience they are hard of hearing. Maybe they didn't realize people two tables away could hear them asking someone to pass the rolls. Now usually, if you have attended very many women's events, very few women eat bread in public or eat it if there are more than 70 women in attendance. Today was an exception. Even my friends on Weight Watchers weren't satisfied. We were desperate because lunch was a few spinach leaves, mandarin oranges, and almond slivers with three grilled shrimp on a stick. There wasn't a lady like way to de-shrimp the stick and I saw a few shrimp fly across the table into other peoples salad. If that had happened at our table, finders keepers, losers weepers, those shrimp would have been mine.

After some introductions, there she was, Miss America, to speak to conservative Christian women on how to mobilize their church to vote their Christian values. Now I am sure Miss America 1975 who has her PHD in Education has much to say and is probably quite good at subject matter that she regularly speaks on to women...but Christan Citizenship was not her strongest suite and is not listed as one of her topics on her website. While she talked we were amazed by her picture perfect Miss America moves...still going strong after 34years her hand motions and the same sing song voice from all the ghosts of Pageants past. I was waiting with baited breath to hear "world peace" but she never said that. If she had spoken in her swimsuit and high heels I would have listened closer to her message and respecting her even more to have the guts to do that. But as I sit here and think about it, the swimsuit and high heels sounds more suited for a men's prayer breakfast.

I am glad she is active and wants to speak on this subject of taking back America, but in 2007 she is probably not the most relevant voice. Her references were dated and more 1985. She looked visibly uncomfortable speaking to us, the subject was out of her natural comfort zone. It would be as if I were asked to speak on hedge funds, I could read the words, but my voice inflections would be all wrong. I guess some men got together and planned this whole luncheon for the women except for the food, because we would have had chicken fried steak with gravy, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and banana pudding for dessert if they had planned it. We women would have complained about the heavy meal as we sopped up the gravy with a biscuit and maybe if we were a tad brave ask for a to go box. I am sad that whoever planned this event thought women want to hear from a former Miss America. There is not one time in my whole life I have ever thought, 'what would Miss America do?' 'What does Miss America have to say to me?' If you are thinking well, you don't look like no Miss America that is true now, but if you could have seen me back in the day when I was 6' and weighed a 120 pounds and my hair touched my 18 inch waist, if I wanted to, maybe I could have had a chance. I could have maybe won Miss Sharpstown Mall or something. Actually, when I was in Jr high we made fun of those type of girls and they were too good to be concerned with the likes of us wobbly, unsure and gangly girls who hadn't developed the proper 'frontage matter' like them. Now as a grown up the only thing I might like to hear from a former Miss America is how to use duct tape to enhance those parts of me that gravity has waged war on and has now conquered and occupies with a sagging vengeance.

I can't get back that hour and 15 minutes,but it wasn't a total waste. We decided to order pizza and have it delivered to finish out our lunch. Then at 3:00 there was wedding shower cake to finish off our progressive lunch. We had some Pageant fun in the office and we practiced our turns and hand motions. I didn't tell the girls but it reminded me of my friend Earlene LaFleur from Alexandria, Louisiana. She has been participating in the Miss Louisiana Pageants for years and she is slowly coming to realize her pageant days are nearly ended. She did win Miss Caddo Parrish and won a few Miss Crawdad contests here and there. She was one of the 10 finalists to be a Breck Shampoo girl, but then Breck went out of business and now can only be found in some of the finest Hampton Inns I think she would have done better if beauty school finals had not gotten in her way a couple of times. That girl can highlight some hair. She even had the famous Myrtis Jenkins from Porter designing her pageant dresses and talent costumes. All in all she has had a good time, but Dewayne, her patient long time boyfriend is ready to settle down and get married. He has even told her he will start working in the refinery and give up the life of an offshore roustabout. When she is done walking the stage in an evening gown and swimsuit and singing and twirling fire batons to Midnight Train to Georgia (do not laugh, it is a great performance) Dewayne will be waiting to whisk her off to his mortgage and storm free (for 5 years) double wide.

Well, I have totally digressed and I have to admit it, I've calmed down a little. Earlier in the day I was incensed and a bit angry over the whole deal. What I learned today is, if you want to be Miss America, live in Denton, TX. That is where she is from and I think the great Phyllis George was from that area too. Must be something in the water up there.