Proceed

So this is it, my first official post from the casita bedroom, with Internet.  Yahoo!  Dan the Man came on Friday afternoon and got us squared away.  It is good on so many levels.  Roy gets the desk top back and I don't have to have the TV blaring in the background.  Only the melodious sound of wind chimes and sometimes I can hear a huge gust of wind, but it is the sound of silence.

Last night I had a really bad panic attack.  Probably the worst one I have had since 2010.  For some reason, while I was watching MSNBC Lockup, I started thinking about the timing of my surgery or maybe it was the lack of timing.  Let me preface my next remark and insure that you know what I am about to say isn't based on anything political.  I wouldn't care if this medical care act was enacted under Bush or Reagan. I would still hate it.  With that being said, I am really not liking Obama Care.  No one right now knows the guidelines in what should or shouldn't be done.  It is all rather confusing I think not only to patients but to the medical providers.  All new forms have been printed up and a whole new range of questions to occupy yourself with while sitting in the waiting room.  So right before bed last night I kind of start getting anxious about the whole thing and the lack of any knowledge of what is going on and I will be honest, it is the stuff I want to control which is really laughable, we control nothing.  In the middle of the night my heart was racing and sloshing and out of control.  I couldn't get warm and I could feel fear all over me.  I have Xanax for moments like these, but I didn't even want to get out of bed.  I was frantic trying to figure out if it was a panic attack or if I needed to call 911 and hope Roy would be awake enough when help arrived.  Middle of the night emergencies are not Roy's forte.   It took about five minutes for me to know, panic not heart attack, but it took forever for everything to calm down and go back to normal.

This morning as I was telling Roy about the wild night he slept through I realized the fear of missing and having to reschedule the heart thing seemed a little more than I could take.  It probably has to do with the one word I have chosen for the year.  My one word is proceed.  This heart journey has taken so many dips and curves and turns.  I probably should have gone ahead and opted to do the ablation last fall but I got scared.  You see before they would do this ablation they had to know for sure my heart would stay in beat on its own.  So at the end of 2011 I went off the heart rhythm meds but in six months I was out of whack again.  Cardioversion in July.  Now to the next step.

Finally in my mind and heart I am ready for this next step and it seems like there is a chance that somebody messed up with scheduling.  Because once I get my heart fixed, my knee is next.  With the prospects of feeling better and not dealing with such intense pain on a daily basis, I am ready to, Proceed.  I read the book One Word Will Change Your Life and loved it!  Usually, I don't care to fill out papers that make me ask questions and these aren't even hard questions.  But I loved doing the exercises and prep work to find my word.

It took a couple of weeks to find my one word.  I did all the prep work from the book and then prayerfully considered the two words I had narrowed my choices down to, proceed and progress.  Proceed seemed to have more layer and texture to it.  It is more of an action word and less of a state of life report.  Proceed seemed to fit perfectly.  In this year on so many levels I want to proceed.  I feel like the last few years have been maintain years.  No forward progress mixed with a few detours and retreats.

So here I am with my word, an out of rhythm heart, a place to call my own in the casita bedroom and sore legs because I did another lap on Roy's trek this afternoon.  Looks like I am ready to proceed.